I've attempted to come up with something witty to write about today, but so far have come up with nothing. I could rant and rave like a lunatic about the impending governmental breakdown, but that is better left to people who have nothing left to live for. I wouldn't say that I don't care that the government is about to completely halt operations, I do but only because I have friends who will be shit out of luck at midnight.
I've considered writing a satirical piece about life in general, but that always comes off snarky and repugnant, a quality that few, save Britons and a few select Québécois, find appealing or humorous. Which really, when you think about it, is quite sad. The dry whimsy of satire is beautiful. Perhaps I was born to the wrong continent.
Also crossing my mind has been a subtle yarn about flatulence-based humor because the more typical of my familiars seem to find this uproarious. This in particular would be a good topic -- relatable, familiar, base. But it would make me sad, and would in all likelihod turn into a lamentation of the decline of intellect and appreciation of subtlety and esoteric sarcasm.
There is always the age old classic of casual racism. That one is particularly always funny, but tends to turn some people off, alienating the writer and inspiring, ironically, hate-filled speech aimed at the origin by those who claim to be tolerant of everyone but intolerant of the intolerance of others. The paradoxical nature of that ship always puts a huge grin on my face as I watch people stew about in their own unrealized hatred.*
*Special Note: I'm not racist by nature, I use it in situations where I know I can get a reaction. I like pushing buttons and forcing people to confront themselves at their worst. I do not condone racism or racist remarks, but the reactions they evoke are pure comedy gold.*
Lastly, of course, there is the art of bad joke telling. It's simple, straightforward, and always makes people groan in agony at how stupid someone can be. And yet, the genius lies in making those who think the joke teller is stupid feel stupid for not laughing at something that is so obviously horrible that it is in fact funny. I like these, they inspire my second favorite pastime of bringing forth awkward moments where none existed before. It's sort of like playing God with people's sensibilities and then skull fucking them when you walk away smiling and they feel violated.
And so, since I have nothing good to write about, I bid you adieu. But not before I get in a few classics.
What do you call 10,000 black guys running down a hill?
What do you call 10,000 Mexicans running down a hill?
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
--"Where's my tractor?!?"
What do you call a man with no arms or legs sitting on the porch?